jennethink

BEST OSCAR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH. EVER.

"All my life I've had a choice between love and hate. I chose love … and I'm here."

• A.R. Rahman, Best Original Song for "Jai Ho" in Slumdog Millionaire

UNBE-WEAVE-ABLE

Okay. What the H-E-double-rattail-comb is going on? It is rare for me to laugh out loud when I am just sitting quietly reading the news but that is exactly what happened when I read this story. I mean you cannot make this stuff up. You can try. But you will fail.

Story can be found here.

 

 

Woman's Hair Weave Stops Bullet

Bullet Gives Woman Headache

POSTED: 5:50 am CST February 20, 2009

 

KANSAS CITY, Mo. -- Aside a bit of a headache, a Kansas City woman said she was uninjured after a bullet fired at her ended up tangled in her hair weave.

Police said the 20-year-old woman was in a convenience store parking lot late Wednesday when a man flagged her down and told her that her ex-boyfriend still loved her.

She replied, "Well I don't love him," then heard gunshots.

She said she looked behind the vehicle and saw her ex-boyfriend firing a handgun at her. She stomped her accelerator and fled, then turned into another parking lot and called police. She told officers she recently had ended an eight-month relationship with the suspect.

 

Police later arrested the ex-boyfriend and his friend in a car.

HOUSEKEEPING

Okay, it seems I have some things to clean up around here. Just a few items that need some clarity according to my email and facebook inbox. Here goes …

1. Apparently those funny looking oranges weren't oranges. They were (and I guess are) tangelos – a fruit that is a combination of a tangerine and an angelo I suppose. Anyway, I guess they are supposed to look like that – "that" being boobies. My mistake and my apologies to oranges everywhere (and to the certain people to whom I stubbornly insisted I was right.)
2. I didn't like Gran Torino because it wasn't a good movie. And the only reason I was able to stay through the whole thing was because The Hub leaned over halfway through and said "just pretend it is a comedy … it will be a lot easier" and that worked. The most disturbing part of the movie for me wasn't even the movie, it was the reaction of everyone else in the theater all of whom seemed to frickin-frackin LOVE it. It was upsetting. I felt like I was on Candid Camera or part of an experiment like the one where the teacher asks a simple question and everyone answers it wrong on purpose to see what the one person (who isn't in on it) will do. And in the experiment, more times than not, the person who is right and KNOWS they are right actually answers wrong because everyone else is answering wrong. I was the poor sap who KNEW it was a bad movie and everyone else was just pretending to think it was a good movie. Either that or everyone in the theater was just excited to see a movie since they haven't seen once since Tora! Tora! Tora!
3. I'm the author and keeper of this blog. That means I'm the boss, Applesauce. If I deem a comment inappropriate, I will remove it. And I don't even have to have a reason. But since you asked, I do have reasons I will remove a comment
   1. SPAM. If the comment is spam it gets deleted – this goes without saying I think
   2. HATE. If your comment is hateful out it goes. I'm fine with disagreements. In fact, I encourage healthy debate but the moment you cross the line into hateful, you're outta here
   3. POTTY MOUTH. Hello Pot, this is Kettle, You're black. I know I know … sometimes I use some pretty strong language myself but again, this is my blog. If your comment contains a lot of profanity or, in fact, certain words, I may delete it … or I may just edit it and change your f-bomb to something much more benign like "fudge cookies"
   4. CAPS LOCKS. IF YOU CHOOSE TO COMMENT IN ALL CAPS REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU SAY YOU WILL BE DELETED AND ALSO MADE FUN OF RUTHLESSLY BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO BE SHOUTED AT CONTINUOUSLY IT'S ANNOYING. BY THE WAY, IT IS REALLY HARD TO READ A COMMENT IN ALL CAPS. AND YES, I YELLED THE ENTIRE TIME I TYPED THIS.
   5. Any other reason I come up with
4. I actually really like childless stepmoms. I am one, after all. And some two or three years later, I'm still dealing with the fallout from the original post where I apparently came down sort of hard on childless stepmoms. And while I sincerely apologize for hurting anyone's feelings I still stand by the spirit of that post – the attitude and the way you choose to think about a situation and how and how much you choose to focus on a situation has the greatest impact on how you feel about a situation. Also I can't help but point out the irony of someone calling me some of the most vile names I've ever been called while they point out they are not bitter or angry. Giggle. Okay.
5. I'm doing much better these days with my SAD situation (Seasonal Affective Disorder). And as we creep closer and closer to summer we are adding minutes and minutes of sunlight each day. And that makes me very very happy.
6. I don't know why I do the Puss Face. 90% of the time, it is unintentional. Although it is sort-of becoming a "thing" of mine.
7. My roller girl name, if I had one, would probably be Eva Destruction.

That should cover most bases for now.

 

OPEN LETTER TO THIS GUY WAITING AT THE AIRPORT FOR A FLIGHT TO ARRIVE

 

I think you're awesome.

 

Also, awwwww

 

 

Love,

Jenne

OPEN LETTER TO THE MANAGER OF MY LOCAL GROCERY THAT USUALLY HAS REALLY GOOD LOOKING PRODUCE … SOMETIMES SO GOOD I BUY STUFF I DON’T REALLY WANT

These oranges look …. um …. funny. Not in the Ha Ha way. (Well, kinda in the Ha Ha way).

 

 

 

Love,

Jenne

 

P.S. I didn't buy any.

 

OSCAR AND JENNE SITTING IN A TREE

I am a lucky, lucky woman. For yet another year, I have seen pretty much every movie that has come out in the past few months. Well, not every movie. I haven't seen any movies where people get cloven in two with axes or where dogs' heads rotate upside-downly in a most upsetting manner or where unborn twins send messages in mirrors … or really anything at all in that whole "WHAT THE HOLY HELL?" category. I was going to go see Saw 4 but having missed Saw 2 and 3 I just was worried I wouldn't be able to follow the plot line.

Anywhoo … With the Oscars just around the corner, I thought I'd give my run-down of the movies. Not that anyone would care about my opinion of the movies. But here it is anyway. By the way, while I'm at it, I've never gotten that whole thing … I mean, just because I like something doesn't mean you will. Example: Seven Pounds. And just because you like a movie, doesn't mean I will. Example: The English Patient. Lord Gosh Almighty I hated that movie. Hated it. Hated. And man oh man I felt like I was the only person in America and possibly the world who felt that way. Which is pretty unusual since I'm normally a pretty easy sell on movies. Not as easy as The Hub who would have to actually be physically injured by a movie for him not to like it but overall I usually can find something fairly enjoyable about the movie. Oh but, and let's just get this out right here and right now … I did NOT like Gran Torino. I know I just may get myself strung up by the Clint crowd (actually, I'm not worried, I can outrun most of the Clint Eastwood fans out there – especially the ones on their scooters) but I have to say it. The only thing worse than The English Patient was Gran Torino. Pa-tooy! The acting was wooden, the dialogue was forced, and Clint Eastwood's portrayal … ulg! Even his voice was awful. It was all scratchy and throaty and weird. It was like he ate a handful of dirty hot rocks and then the rocks turned into little tiny aliens that coagulated into one big alien and the big alien digested Clint from the inside out leaving only the Alien Clint behind – and also the alien is a SUCKY actor.

But I digress. My point was …here are my thoughts about the movies up for the main Oscar categories. First category, best picture.

Best Picture

'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' - saw it, liked it. Think I mostly liked it because I've never heard the story told before. Meaning the story of a man aging backwards. Of course, I've never seen the story of a lot of things told before.. that doesn't mean it would make a good movie. The Curious Case of Rotten Cheese, for example, wouldn't really interest me … no matter how it aged.

'Frost/Nixon' - saw it, loved it. Made me see loafers in a whole new light. Also of note: I haven't used the word "loafer" since I paired it with "penny" back in the 1990s.

'Milk' - saw it, wow'd by it, totally drew me in and made me miss ringer t-shirts and funky 70's mustaches.

'The Reader' – saw it, moved by it. I read the book a long time ago and forgot what it was about. P.S. Ms. Winslet has nice boobies.

'Slumdog Millionaire' – saw it, loved it. want to marry it. Jenne's pick for best picture. Because it is the best picture (and, let's face it, the best title, too). Also, even though it had nothing at all to do with the movie plot, the dance sequence at the end of the film is all that and a bag of baba ganoush.

Let's move on to Best Director. Okay, I'm going to fess up to something here, I just don't understand this category. I mean, I think I can understand the criteria in other categories (best picture should be … well, the picture that was the best. And best actor is the actor who acted the best) but in this one … how would I KNOW a director was doing some mighty fine directing? I mean other than it ends up being a good movie which means it should be in the best picture category, right? And also, shouldn't this be a category the actors vote on? Oh wait … do they? Who awards these awards anyway … oh hold up … It's the academy right? The Academy Awards. Lord, I'm so Oscar-retarded. Okay so I guess I could say this best director should be won by the person who got the best out of the actors. But how am I supposed to know that? Unless I knew for sure these actors were total crap and then was blown away by them in this role I just don't think I can attribute the good acting to the directing. Don't get me wrong … I think many a bad situation can be remedied with some good direction… and this applies equally well to movie scripts, leadership and to sex. So I'm all for good direction … I just don't know how to evaluate it in this situation. Still, that won't keep me from choosing a winner here.

Best Director

Danny Boyle for 'Slumdog Millionaire' (sidebar … every time I see the name Danny I think about the time my mother told me if I'd been born a boy she would have named me Danny. Wow. Talk about a life changer. "Hey, who's that who just got his ass kicked at lunch?" "Oh that's Danny." "Again?" See?)

Stephen Daldry for 'The Reader'

David Fincher for 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button'

Ron Howard for 'Frost/Nixon'

Gus Van Sant for 'Milk' (now Gus … THAT'S a name I could have rocked as a boy. "Hey, why are you laughing so hard?" "Oh that Gus just cracked the best joke ever!" "Hey, who should we award the coolest dude award to?" "You need to ask? Gus! Of course!" "Hey, who was that who befriended that geek, Danny, and turned him into a normal boy?" "GUS!" See?)

Um …. I pick …. Uhhhh … Frost/Nixon. Because I still think that Richy Cunningham is a cutie-pie

Best Actor

Richard Jenkins, 'The Visitor' - oh this was a great movie. I really loved it. It was heartwarming and unexpected. And Richard Jenkins did a wonderful job. I'm really glad he got this nomination.

Frank Langella, 'Frost/Nixon' - I think it says a lot about Langella that I left the movie thinking, "That Nixon … what a neat guy."

Sean Penn, 'Milk' - I was maybe 15 minutes into the movie when I stopped evaluating whether or not Sean Penn was doing a good job. From that point on, I was sold.

Brad Pitt, 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' - you know … he's cute at pretty much any age. I'd say I like Brad Pitt forwards or backwards but that sounds so dirty (which is why I said it!!! Ba-da-bing!)

Mickey Rourke, 'The Wrestler' – yes. yes yes yes. This movie is phenomenal. And Mickey Rourke is my pick for best actor. I would like to see him win. But I kinda sorta hope he comes down with a mild case of lock jaw right before the ceremony just so he doesn't thank his dog like he did at the Golden Globes. Cause that was straight-up weird.

Best Actress

Anne Hathaway, 'Rachel Getting Married' - oof this movie made me U N C O M F O R T A B L E . In the good way .. not in the underwear up my b-crack way … I thought Hathaway did a phenomenal job in this movie. I liked her and I hated her. She frustrated the hell out of me and was, I felt, totally believable.

Angelina Jolie, 'Changeling' - whoops. Guess what? I didn't see this one. This movie happened to fall during my 3 Day tour and I had exactly no time to see movies. I will say this though, I think Angelina is a two-face. Not disloyal but she's one of those people who looks so great one second that I want to dye my hair black, disown my father and adopt 12 babies from other countries too and then the next second I think she's so unattractive I want to run screaming from the screen while gouging my eyes out.

Melissa Leo, 'Frozen River' -- Hey. Was this even PLAYING anywhere near me? Sorry folks, another miss for me.

Meryl Streep, 'Doubt' - oooh … did you see this movie? Man oh man and I don't even like Meryl Streep (I know, I know) but she was incredible in this movie. Is it a forgone conclusion here that she'll land this one? I don't know. She was awfully good. And awfully good at being awful. Not just awful but awfully awful. Awful. Awful … damn. Said it too much. The word has lost all meaning for me.

Kate Winslet, 'The Reader' - Nah. I mean, she did a good job but I don't know. Maybe I've seen too many Nazi movies lately. I'm sort of bored with it.

I don't know who to pick. For me it comes down between Anne and Meryl. Meryl probably deserves it but if there was a Most Improved category, I think Anne would take it. How's that for a left-handed compliment? I'm sure Ms Hathaway would award me the Shove-It-Up-Your-Rear award.

Best Supporting Actor

Josh Brolin, 'Milk'

Robert Downey Jr., 'Tropic Thunder'

Philip Seymour Hoffman, 'Doubt'

Heath Ledger, 'The Dark Knight'

Michael Shannon, 'Revolutionary Road'

I'm getting tired talking about movies (you: and talking and talking) I can't imagine how you feel reading this nonsense. But hang tough, we're almost done. This will go to Heath – and he was incredible. In fact, they were all incredible. And I love it that a comedy showed up in here somewhere. By the way, that movie "Revolutionary Road" … Egads. Another not-so-feel-good movie. There seemed to be a lot of depressing movies this year. This one was the icing on the depressing cake. I really felt like the snack bar should have been selling Prozac instead of milk duds for this flick.

Best Supporting Actress

Amy Adams, 'Doubt'

Penelope Cruz, 'Vicky Cristina Barcelona'

Viola Davis, 'Doubt'

Taraji P. Henson, 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button'

Marisa Tomei, 'The Wrestler'

I'm going to go out on a limb and give this to Viola Davis in 'Doubt'. Mostly because she had the snot factor. Anyone who cries on screen and has not only tears but also a disgustingly runny nose usually walks away with it. The Oscar I mean, not the nose. Well, they walk away with that too – unless they're Michael Jackson  <rim shot> Thank you folks, try the veal.

Best Animated Feature Film

'Bolt'

'Kung Fu Panda'

'Wall-E'

Duh. Wall-E. I saw all of these movies and I liked them all. I avoided Kung-Fu Panda for a long time but it turns out to be pretty good. I think it was the eternal optimist part of Po (the panda) that made it so great and heartwarming. Come to think of it, that's kind of the theme for all of this year's animated films. But of the three, I really loved Wall-E. It was brilliantly done and I really enjoyed the story line and didn't even mind the in-your-face environmental message.

I know there are other categories … costuming, score, etc. but I just don't have it in me to think about those. I have one more group of movies to see – The Shorts – and will take care of that this weekend at the artsy fartsy theater near me. I can't wait. I love shorts. I think they are rarely given the acknowledgement they deserve. Which is funny for me to say that when I just dedicated a whole post to full length movies and nothing to shorts.  Huh.  Irony.

And this concludes my first and most likely only movie review post. Reviewing these movies was much more intense than I thought. This reminds me, remind me sometime to tell you about my run in with Roger Ebert.

One last thing, if you can see only one movie between now and the Oscars … make sure it ISN'T Gran Torino.

PUSS FACE GOES TO THE MONSTER TRUCK SHOW!

There are many, many things to say. Most of them start with "Hell Ya" or sound like a MasterCard commercial:

Monster Truck show tickets ….. $26.00

2 large beers ….. also $26.00

Realizing your dental hygienist was right about the importance of flossing ….. priceless

Once a long, long time ago, I went to a professional wrestling match. It was back when The Ultimate Warrior was world champion (oh, I just love it that I remember that!). I went because it sounded like a fun time. And because I like people watching. Little did I know more than 20 years later I would go to a Monster Truck Show some 500 miles away and by kracky, watch the SAME PEOPLE. I'm continually amazed when I go to some event - any event- and come face-to-face with a whole living, working, functioning community I know absolutely nothing about – and has t-shirts. One of the qualities I've always loved about myself is I can pretty much immerse myself in any world at pretty much any time. This came in handy when I was dating since I could be comfortable in a pool hall and/or a five star restaurant and have a grand time either way. And even though I've never in my life been to a monster truck show and up until today couldn't tell a Quad War from a ….well, from anything, it took me all of 10 seconds of being inside before I was dragging The Hub up the escalator to our seats in the upper deck yelling "Hurry up! We're going to miss the Cannon Lady!"

The Cannon Lady.

Anyway, it was 120 minutes of monster truckity goodness … I'm not exactly sure what the point of the whole event was but I think it has something to do with blowing my eardrums out.  

So, here are a couple of videos for your viewing (if not listening) pleasure.

This first video is of two trucks going up and over some other trucks ... this seemed to be the main activity of the afternoon.  There was a whole lot of this "up and over" stuff.  One at a time - up and over.  Preliminary round side-by-side - up and over.  Then later, something called "freestyle" where the trucks come out and go ... you guessed it - up and over.  You can see by the video that even though The Hub and I had no idea what was going on, it didn't keep us from choosing sides and cheering like all the other peeps there who (by my best guess) had lost they damn minds.

 

And speaking of people losing they damn mind,  this second video is of some guy who gets in a box with dynamite and then blows up.  No.  I'm serious.  He gets in a box.  With dynamite.  Then blows up.  This is no "Cannon Lady" ... flying through the air and such.  Nope.  When the explosion happens here this guy goes, oh, I'd say aaaaabout a foot and a half.  And lands on his tummy.  Just sort of flops there onto the ground.  I'm not saying it isn't exciting but I am saying a carp could probably do an equally fine job.  Still, you can tell by my cackling in the background I was quite delighted by the whole thing.

 

aaaand, I'm out.

OPEN LETTER TO ALL HOODIE MANUFACTURERS WHO ARE CONTEMPLATING SELLING TO THE MONSTER TRUCK CROWD

I think that market may be saturated.

Love, Jenné

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

OPEN LETTER TO ALL THE PEOPLE AT THE CHICAGO AIRPORT WHO WALKED BEHIND ME AFTER I LEFT THE REST ROOM WITH A TAMPON WRAPPER STUCK TO THE BACK OF MY PANTS THANKS TO THE MOST AGGRESSIVE STATIC CLING I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED

You could have told me.

Love,

Jenné

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

BECAUSE I SAID SO

My sister and I are different. I've posted about those differences before. It's amazing we came from the same parents and grew up under roughly the same conditions. It's like planting 2 seeds in a pot, covering them with the same dirt, setting them in the same window sill, watering them the same amount, fertilizing them with the same poo and one grows into a tomato plant and the other grows into a giraffe.

I'm the giraffe, by the way.

I'm glad we're different. I need us to be different. There have been many, many times when I've relied on what my sister has because I just don't have it. She's strong where I am weak. She's together where I am scattered. She's like the lady at the grocery with the list divided up into sections that correspond to the aisles and I'm the lady who tries to fit 2 cases of diet coke into the plastic hand basket on top of the hamburger buns and oh could you hand me those doggie treats … just put them here under my arm with the ice cream.

I know my sister isn't perfect. And there have been many times in my life when she's driven me right crazy. From the time we were teenagers and she told me I wasn't throwing away my sanitary napkins the "right" way (Really? They're in the trash can, aren't they?) to the times while growing up when I didn't sort the socks the "right" way to the time we worked together and I didn't sharpen my pencil (you guessed it) the "right" way. Still, I wouldn't change it – or her. She is who she is and I think she's pretty great.

There's only one area, one thing, one aspect of my sister's personality I really wish I could change. One thing about myself I wish I could somehow push into herself. One characteristic of mine I wish I could clone, chop up into bite-sized pieces and feed to her. I wish she liked herself more.

And here is where I'm going to reveal a deep truth about myself. Are you ready? despite my short comings (and I have a lot of them), despite the fact that I've made some pretty questionable decisions in my life, despite my physical 4s, 5s, and even 3s on a scale of 1 to 100, I can't help but think I'm the bomb-diggity.

I know … I know! I know how that sounds. I know I sound all cocky and whatnot. I know I sound like I'm tooting my horn and I know it isn't attractive at all – but that's part of it – even though I know all of that, I STILL think I'm pretty cool. I STILL like me. I STILL would choose to be my friend and I'd pick me first on Red Rover. The truth is, I'm quite enamored with myself.

And maybe that's where my sister and I differ. I've never had to be convinced that I deserve a lot out of life. I've never had to be talked into wanting the best for me. I've never once thought my life was ruin-able. I've always known, somewhere deep down that I'll pull through … even if I make a bad decision, even if it all goes to hell … I'll pull out of it. somehow. Someway. And more likely than not, I'll look damn fine doing it. The bottom line is, even though I know I've got a long way to go in my personal development, even though I know I frustrate people (including myself), even though I know I probably shouldn't think so highly of myself, even though even though even though … I'm pretty easy on myself.

Once I was having a discussion with my sister and she was trying to figure out if she should do something or not (this is a big deal with her … the "shoulds"). I said, Well, do you want to? and she looked at me like a tomato plant looking at a giraffe. And mumbled something like 'well that hardly matters in the decision, does it?" and I was floored. Because to me, that's maybe the MOST important question. When I'm making decisions about well, anything, I first ask myself "will this move me closer to becoming the woman I am meant to be?" then in nearly the same breath I ask, "and do I want to do it?" and basically if it do want to do it and there isn't some big issue of conflict between doing it and becoming the woman I'm meant to be then …. I do it. If I don't want to do it …. I don't do it.

I guess I just believe there aren't really that may have to's in life. Oooh .. I bet I can make a grid out of this … let's see

	Want to	Don't Want to
Moves me closer	Do it – no hesitation. Next question is what are the obstacles and how will I overcome them? Example: Running with Bulls in Pamplona. Many obstacles to overcome (most of them drunk) but never entered my mind I wouldn't do it just how I would do it	Will do it – eventually. Next question becomes how will I manage my emotional reactions and what can I do to turn this into a "want to". Usually involves keeping my eyes focused on the end result. Example: Chemo. No way no how did I want to do this. However, I didn't want the consequences of NOT doing it and it definitely moved me toward the woman I was meant to be (i.e. alive). So I did it. And each day I would try to do something that reminded me this was temporary. This is the hardest quadrant, by the way, and many people I know spend a lot of time here. I guess I think a lot can be done with the quadrant by adjusting your attitude.
Doesn't move me closer/neutral	You know, I might still do it. As long as it doesn't move me FARTHER FROM becoming the woman I'm meant to be, I'll probably still figure out a way to do what I want to do. Example: um. Lots of stuff.	Duh. Just not going to happen. The only thing to do now is to communicate with others in a loving and straightforward way. This box usually fills up with stuff other people want me to do. This is where the loving straightforward part come in. Example: Organizing a block party for the neighborhood. "There's just no way at this point in my life I could give this the kind of attention it deserves and needs. And on top of that, if I agree to do this, I'm going to become frustrated and angry since it really isn't a strength of mine … do you think we can find someone else who would be excited about it?"

What does this have to do with liking myself and wishing my sister liked herself more? I guess I think the reason I'm able to do what I want to do and not do what I don't want to do is because I'm willing to suffer the consequences – even if it means someone isn't going to like me. Do I want people to like me? Yes. I do. I really really do. And it hurts my feelings when people don't like me. I've often said I would be a terrible sales rep because when someone said No I would say "that's fine, you don't have to buy it but do you still like ME?" But the bottom line is, I guess, that my own vote carries a lot of weight. The Hub's vote does too. And a handful of other people. And those are all people I don't have to perform for. I just have to be.

So, when my sister asked me how it is that I can just do what I want to do and not do what I don't want to do and I guess I should have said she was partly to blame. I do what I want to do because I know, deep down she loves me no matter what. I do it because when push comes to shove, I'd be friends with me. And I don't do what I don't want to do because in the secret recesses of my heart I know a love from others that is unconditional. And I don't say that lightly and I certainly don't take it for granted. In fact, I'm in awe of it.

And I wish she felt it too.