BEES

 Somehow I stumbled across this article that talks about a study in which British scientists are tracking how bees hunt in hopes of figuring out how serial killers choose their victims.

Um.  Huh?

Sometimes I just feel like someone is somewhere tokin' on a doobie and saying "Duuuude, I'm so wasted! We should so totally write a research proposal. Yeah!"  It just seems so random.  I mean the article starts about by saying,

"Just as bees forage some distance away from their hives, so murderers avoid killing near their homes, says the University of London team."

Uhhhh-kay .... Is this whole comparison the basis for the research?  Because, if so, I'm sure I can get some British research dollars to figure out the link between dolphins and gang violence because,

Just as dolphins resist anything restrictive around their middles, so do gang members avoid wearing belts and pants around their natural waist.

It's not that I don't believe bees should be studied. In fact, I think bees are quite fascinating. Really! I've always thought that. I have a totally love/hateyourstinkin'guts relationship with bees. It's been this way since I was a child. I love the behavior of bees. I love their hierarchy and their drippy honeycombs. I love that I was told once that a bee shouldn't be able to fly (something about the weight to wing ratio) but since no one ever told the bee about his inability, he flies anyway. I love the fuzzy wuzzy bees and I love the honey bees.  I love the hum they make and I love the shape of their hives. There are a lot of things to love about bees.

However, I do believe one of the worst things in the world that that can happen to you is to get stung by a bee.

I know.  You are thinking I'm daft because who would possibly list that as one of the WORST things in the world? You may be thinking how I could put that above all the really horrible things that happen like cancer and broccoli, but let me say this...

All of the really horrible things that you are thinking about are things that are long lasting things. And that's completely different.  I mean, if you take the amount of horribleness of, say, dying a slow painful death due to crocodiles, yes, volume-wise it may be more horrible than a stinger in your toe, but for intensity I think it falls short. Cancer too. And I feel justified in saying that because I know how awful how cancer can be but truth be told it isn't always awful ... for much of the time you have cancer, it's not so bad at all. There are many good things about it.  Like ice cream whenever you want it and having a perfect excuse to not attend any more Pampered Chef parties. Bee stings, on the other hand ... or anywhere for that matter, are TERRIBLE for the ENTIRE time. From the moment of the sting until way after - it's horrible.

And if you just can't agree with me about bee stings being One of the Worst Things in the World That Can Happen to You, then just remember I said it was ONE OF the worst things that can happen, not THE worst thing that can happen, and whatever thing you think is worse than a bee sting just know that your thing was the thing I was referring to as being worse than bee stings.

(whew, that was close)

And...AND... in addition to everything else, bee stings have the added awful bonus of killing the bee.

Now come on.  That just seems ridiculous.  I have a hard time believing this is a good defense mechanism.  It just feels so counterproductive.  Sure, I stepped on you, Bee, but you didn't have to kill yourself just to get me to move.  It's just all so dramatic.  So drastic.  It would be like me ripping my head off and throwing it at someone to get them off my porch.  Effective? Maybe.  Dire consequences for dinner that night?  For sure.

Maybe another reason I hate bee stings is because I was always getting stung as a child.  Constantly.  I think my mom had a continual batch of baking soda paste made up and on hand ... just in case.  And "in case" happened a LOT.  I was recently talking to The Hub about this and telling him how often I got stung by a bee.  "Didn't you get stung like a 1000 times when you were a kid?" I asked.  "No."  he said.  "Well, but you got stung a lot right?"  I said.  "No." he said.  What the hell?  "Did you ever get stung by a bee as a kid?" I asked.  "Not that I can recall."  He said.  And that's when I announced I wasn't talking to him for the rest of the afternoon.

Not that he minded.

Then I realized that maybe the reason I was always getting stung by bees is because I was always sticking my hands in places they didn't belong.  Dark places.  Mysterious places. Inside trees.  Under benches. Between hay bales.  Always digging, always searching.  Not always searching for bees but always scrounging around trying to discover something new. So I guess I shouldn't be so critical of the bee researchers.  I mean after all my years of messing around with bees, who I am to judge?  Maybe they're onto something. Clearly, they have some brilliant insights. Just check out this quote:

"understanding how bees are recruited to flowers is much easier than understanding the complex thoughts of a serial murderer," Dr. Raine said.

Wow.
Thanks, Doc. That's money well spent.

Comments

[LIEvans]

Jenné, you know I love you, right? Like, even though we've only just shaken hands in real life, I would totally bring you chicken soup if you were sick and not even get mad if you threw up in my car because I think you're awesome. You know I think you rock, right? Just want that established before I say:

After reading this post, I just want to find your mom and pin a Purple Heart medal to her chest.

:-P