I have something to tell you.
4 things actually.
Here goes...
1) I have a new enlarged lymph node on the side of my neck.
2) It has gotten bigger over the past few days.
3) It is exactly like the one that sent me to the oncologist the first time.
4) Items 1 – 3 are completely false.
I know it was an evil thing to do, telling you that just now, making you feel like something was wrong when it wasn’t. It was wrong to scare you. But you know that clutch you just got in your gut? That feeling of dread? That awful pit in your stomach? I’m still feeling that every day. Every moment. Still. It’s only been a couple of weeks since my last treatment. I don’t even have a clean scan yet.
And so I wanted to tell you because, well, it may take me some time to feel good, feel okay, feel “back to normal.” And I love you for being excited about the end of treatment and I can’t wait to be in conversations with you and be able to do “remember when”s about all of this and I know it is coming – the good stuff, the relief, the ease of everyday life without cancer but I’m just not quite there yet.
When I was a kid my family would vacation in Canada. We drove there every year. No matter how many Archie comic books, no matter how many games of “I spy”, no matter how many naps, it was a long trip. So I know the agony of waiting to arrive somewhere great. Of wanting to lay in the sun. Sleep late. Relax. And I know this must be how you feel. Waiting for me. You're ready to relax, to kick back, to exhale with me.
But just like my father did so many times, I have to turn around and answer your “are we there yet?”s with a stern “no”.
Maybe take another nap. It could be awhile.
I'm patient.
Should I send you some Madlibs to help pass the time? (I love those on long trips!)
Posted by: Wendy | January 26, 2007 at 08:10 AM
A friend of mine told me about a girlfriend of his who had cancer 25 years ago. She told him that it was 10 years before she quit thinking every bump, bruise, fever, etc. was the cancer returning.
"10 years!", I exclaimed. "Good Lord. I guess she must be telling the truth...otherwise, wouldn't she make it shorter to make other people feel better?"
"Maybe" he said.
"But she is a big hypocondriac."
Helpful?
Posted by: beek | January 26, 2007 at 09:00 AM
As someone who just finished chemo for NHL in December, I can't agree more with your post. I feel so much pressure to be "normal" again yet deep down I don't know if that can ever happen. So I just keep pretending. It helps to hear that you feel the same way - although asking people to hang in there with you is a much healthier way of handling the situation. I think I'll just keep pretending.
Posted by: Natalie | January 26, 2007 at 11:26 AM
Why do you think you have ever stopped being normal? Or more importantly why do you think you will ever be normal?
The people in my life who have had cancer, besides you, some still have cancer floating around in their body, the levels are not high enough for concern but they are there and they always will be.
They never act normal, they just act or live.
You don't ever have to act normal another day in your life. As long as, you're living, every one of us gets to enjoy having you as a part of our lives.
Believe me that's what we care about.Just having you here, wehther you are sad, anxious, happy and everything in between, it doesn't matter.
We are here for the ride, now get your ass in the car.
Posted by: Leaves Too Soon | January 26, 2007 at 04:21 PM
Good stuff.
Above, before I fixed it, I tapped out a funny typo. I typed "God stuff." Is it?
Anyway, knowing all of this is good because it's honest and instructive. Maybe I can be a better friend simply by knowing what you're thinking.
Why can't we all just get it out there like you do?
Posted by: Ann | January 26, 2007 at 04:34 PM
Good stuff.
Above, before I fixed it, I tapped out a funny typo. I typed "God stuff." Is it?
Anyway, knowing all of this is good because it's honest and instructive. Maybe I can be a better friend simply by knowing what you're thinking.
Why can't we all just get it out there like you do?
Posted by: Ann | January 26, 2007 at 04:35 PM
Good stuff.
Above, before I fixed it, I tapped out a funny typo. I typed "God stuff." Is it?
Anyway, knowing all of this is good because it's honest and instructive. Maybe I can be a better friend simply by knowing what you're thinking.
Why can't we all just get it out there like you do?
Posted by: Ann | January 26, 2007 at 04:36 PM
Good stuff.
Above, before I fixed it, I tapped out a funny typo. I typed "God stuff." Is it?
Anyway, knowing all of this is good because it's honest and instructive. Maybe I can be a better friend simply by knowing what you're thinking.
Why can't we all just get it out there like you do?
Posted by: Ann | January 26, 2007 at 04:36 PM
Please tell me why my comment showed up *four times*?
Because I don't want to pull that stunt more than once.
How embarrassing.
How embarrassing.
How embarrassing.
How embarrassing.
Posted by: Ann | January 29, 2007 at 09:29 AM
Ann - well, i WAS going to remove all but one but now your last comment will make no sense if I do!
Really the whole thing made me laugh. I'm sure you did nothing wrong.
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Posted by: Jenne | January 29, 2007 at 02:17 PM