CANCER PUBLICATIONS – NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!

I was cleaning my office today and ran across some of my cancer pamphlets.  I just had to share because I know you think you know how bad cancer is but you really don’t.  Not until you have to read these.  As if having cancer isn’t defeating enough, these are the illustrations we cancer people have to deal with. 

From “What You Need to Know About Prostate Cancer”

Please note the title of the illustration “Diagnosing Prostate Cancer”  Just WHO’S prostate is that doctor checking?  His patient’s or his own?

Here’s another one from the same booklet.  In this drawing, you can see the doctor (you can tell he's qualified by the framed pictures of dot patterns hanging on the walls) intently explaining to the man and his wife some common fashion rules like never wear a striped top with polkadot legs.

“Chemotherapy and You – a Guide to self-help during cancer treatment” dedicates an ENTIRE PAGE to this helpful illustration

I’m not exactly sure why we need to see the man shaving since as soon as chemo starts most of your body hair falls out.  Perhaps they are suggesting continuing to use an electric razor during chemo just for shits and giggles.

Here’s another lovely drawing of a uh …man(?) getting ready to shoot up some heroin.  Wasn't part of my treatment but hey, who am I to judge? 

And of course, the picture of the woman serving her husband his own testicle for dinner.  This is a Fromm Family Favorite.

Another good one below. 

This picture is followed by a paragraph suggesting you can find comfort by talking to friends, family members and, apparently, androgynous strangers.

Here’s one I love.  As you can see, the title of this one is “Surviving and Thriving”

Okay.  I admire this publication for actually springing for photography and not just paying someone’s eight year old to illustrate it but I sort of take issue with the picture here.  Surviving – maybe, but does this woman look like she’s thriving?

This is a picture of Mr. Kotter being very upset with Vinny Barbarino for, I can only assume, laughing at the illustration in his pamphlet.

And another one of my favorites,

   a whole drawing encouraging you to keep all your pills and medications away from any trolls or visiting Hobbits.

Here’s a pic taken from the "What You Need to Know About" series, this time, it’s all about breast cancer.  I guess that’s why there is a female doctor, you know, because we’re talking about boobs.  I include this picture not because it is particularly funny but because, isn’t that that old lady’s bag from the prostate pictures?

Here’s the same lady later that day playing rock, paper, scissors with a friend.  Breast cancer is so much fun!

The “What You Need to Know about Hodgkin’s Disease” pamphlet is pretty boring.  The only illustration is this one

All I can say about this is, if you look like this when you are towel drying your hair, get yourself to a doctor, quickly!

The pamphlet about skin cancer went ahead and used real pictures of moles and such.  I couldn’t look through it all without barfing but I did see this one right off.

  Is it just me or does this cancerous mole with his big black circle look surprisingly cute … sort of like Petey from the Little Rascals.

The pamphlet about colon and rectal cancer had no drawings at all.  Chickens.

And I was quite disappointed to see there were also no illustrations in the “How to Deal with Sexual Side Effects of Cancer Treatment” because I really wanted to see that old couple getting it on.

This next illustration of a man drinking water from his daughter’s tea-set is from a publication all about how to deal with nutrition during cancer treatment.

What cracks me up here is that this is the illustration they use on the section about coping with diarrhea.  You probably could tell that before I mentioned it.  It’s the crossed legs that gave it away, isn’t it?

By the way, this is what’s wrong with baggers at grocery stores these days.  How can anyone be expected to get this home without losing their carrots?

Some pamphlets are about prevention, not just treatment.  Like this one encouraging you to get screened for breast cancer.

The picture is quite small but very effective.  Yes, it is this drawing of this woman's tit in a vise that will make me run right out and schedule my own mammogram. Also, I’m very impressed that radiologist lady can do her job what with the submarine’s periscope right there in her way.

My mom reads my blog so I can’t write what I want to write about the shape of this lady's left hand in this next one from “Protecting Yourself Against Cancer”.  You’ll have to do it yourself. 

There are other easily written jokes in here as well.  Help yourself.

And here is a whole series from the “When a Family Member Has Cancer” publication.  Some of these … I just feel like someone should be fired.

This is from the “when crazy uncle Larry with the freakishly large eyebrows has cancer” section and this

this is from the “who can I talk to about my cancer?” section.  The answer here is clearly someone with something funny on their head. And this

is a bit off topic but apparently it is “what to do if your African American friend has a headache” and finally there is this picture about the family returning to normal.

Really?

And I wouldn’t want you to leave without knowing something.  So in case you’d like to self diagnose and have your own microscope, here’s the difference between cancer cells and normal cells

As you can clearly see, normal cells look like plain yeast donuts and cancer cells are jelly filled.  There.  Now you know.

I thought for sure the publication about obesity and chemotherapy would have some awesome drawings of the adventures of Fatty McCancer but I was mistaken.  Nothing but a BMI chart to help you along in that one.

"Dealing with Cancer Pain", however, didn’t disappoint

Oh boy.  I’m not sure how this picture relates to cancer pain but does that kid have on a tux?

This is the title page of another pamphlet where we women are encouraged to do it for ourselves as well as our families.  I’m not sure what they want us to do, I didn’t get that far but apparently we’re “doing it” for the rainbow coalition as well which now includes people without noses.

Here’s another publication that decided to use photography instead of drawings.  Unfortunately, it looks like the photographer is rather limited in options for posing. 

  Hey you! Second from the end … I said hand under your chin!

“When Your Brother Or Sister has Cancer, a Guide for Teens” has some totally awesome illustrations.  And I mean that.  Like this one.

Immediately after this conversation, you just know the bong is coming out, dudes.

And I will finish up with this drawing taken from "What You Need to Know About Leukemia"

You gotta feel for this couple.  First the prostate cancer, and now Leukemia.  Man, what are the odds?

 

Comments

[steve]

What a day I'm having:

As I sit here examining my own prostate while staring at my dot pattern diplomas, I thought back to the tasty testicles I ate for dinner - (was it the left, or was it the right?)

I noticed a dog named Petey sampling some carrots in the front yard on my way to my photoshoot. Curiously I placed BOTH hands under my chin...

My friends - they have no nose. How do they smell? Really awful!

I talked to my coach and the old lady crossing the street and they both pointed out "whipped cream" on my right cheek.

I'm sipping tea right now as my lower abdomen begins to cramp.

I've sworn off jelly donuts, so I should be cancer-free, unless Pat, Chris, Dana, Fran, Stacy or Marion sits across a table from me. Then I'm sunk.

I DID, however, wear my striped shirt with polka-dotted underpants today... Yikes.

[Ann]

Clearly someone has too much time on her hands, now that she's cancer free!

Those aren't jelly donuts--they're Thumbprint Cookies! I'll make some, take a picture and send it to you.

[gilly]

maybe the old couple are at the police station b/c they saw another lady in a cancer pamphlet at the prostate doctor's office who had her SAME purse.

[Wendy]

Scary how funny these are. And dated and ugh! You made me laugh so hard. I think I see a business opportunity here.

[cosmetic surgery rancho cucamonga]

You have a nice blog very informative,I also noticed a dog named Petey sampling some carrots in the front yard on my way to my photoshoot. Curiously I placed BOTH hands under my chin.. Keep posting!

by: sphin