People react. They can’t help but react. You can’t tell someone you have cancer and not have them react. There is a large part of me that wants to follow the words “I have cancer” very quickly with “butI’mokayandpleasedon’tfeellikeyouneedtosayanything.” And most times, I do. I say something like that. Or I make a joke – which more times than not end up being as funny as Hitler and somehow less appropriate – or I employ one of my finely honed distraction techniques, “hey, is that Brad Pitt over there taking his shirt off????” and then I run to the bathroom while the other person’s head is turned. But there is another part of me – the very sick part, the same part that laughs when people trip and fall and break their wrists – that likes to wait and see what the other person says. It can be quite uncomfortable, let me assure you, sort of like breaking wind when there are only two of you in the room, Both of you know things have changed radically but really, what is there to say that’s not going to make the situation worse? You can tell a lot about a person by the way they react to something like that. A whole lot.
Some begin gathering information right away, what kind, what type, how did you know, what’s the treatment, will you get sick, who’s your doctor, what hospital, is that why you were tired last week, is that why you missed that meeting, is that why you farted when only two of us were in the room, etc.
Some go into shock. They have nothing to say. They look at you. And keep looking. They can’t say anything – and I don’t mean they can’t say anything meaningful, I mean they can’t say anything. Silence. And the looking. Wide-eyed. No words. Just the look. When I have one of these in front of me, looking at me, saying nothing, I become convinced that I have suddenly become transparent and Brad Pitt is behind me taking his shirt off. What else could be so mesmerizing?
Some begin to comfort.
Some cry.
Some get angry and sometimes they even direct that anger at me. Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you go see the doctor sooner? This, of course, yields a compassionate answer from me. An answer that goes something like, “Cram it.”
I don’t judge people by their reactions – although it would be tempting to do so – instead I try to learn something about them. something about how comfortable they are with their own mortality, something about how empathetic they are, something about their perspective on life. it’s amazing what you can learn about a person – even someone you’ve known for quite awhile – by how they react to somewhat shocking news.
I belong to a couple of message boards created to link those of us with lymphoma. Naturally, members post about everything. One topic that comes up a lot is the things people say. Now, understand, every single person that posted something added “I knew what they meant ..” or “I know they didn’t mean it like it sounded..” We all know that when people hear “Cancer” something fires in the brain and you can never guess what will come out the mouth.
And since so many of you have told me “I don’t know what to say” I post this. I haven’t exactly come up with the right things to say either but the next time I’m faced with someone telling me they have something wrong, I’m going to steer clear of these responses. A few of these really made me laugh. People!
Enjoy.
A lady at work told me that they like my hair better the other way and everyone agreed (as if I had a choice and just cut it all off on my own)
...this reminds me of the time i went to a party at my boss's house and his wife introduced me as... "and this is Christine...she has cancer". i stood there in my glorious baldness and could not believe it. i mean there's a ton of other things she could have said about me but the bitch chose to state the obvious...duh! people could have guessed that on their own.
In reference to my weight gain from the steroids and ABVD on women replied "oh you finally have boobs"
A lady told me, “Gosh, think how much time you’ll save in the morning since you won’t have to do your hair!”
A friend of mine said “I am so glad you got Lymphoma while I am pregnant that way its like we are going through the same thing.”
I had a friend who told me that my big problem of cancer pretty much adds up to all of her small little problems and that we all have problems....
My favorite is when people say, "But you don’t look sick! " You’re right! I must be making it up!
"Wow, you must be really scared. Are you going to die?"
She said "Oh my God Shanti I can't believe that MY cousin has cancer! I feel like I'm in some TV movie! Don't die on me Shanti, I don't knwo what I would do without you. I can't believe this is happening to me."
Just when I think the hits stop coming.....my friend came up to me today and said "Oh my god I just had a dream the other night and in it your cancer came back and you died from it. Isn't that weird?".
My favorite is when they tell you depressing stories about death and stuff and the people they know who died from cancer then add "The important thing is to keep positive".
a couple of months ago my sister ran into this guy i know, and she told him i had cancer, his response was "YOU MEAN REAL CANCER". Duh, no fake cancer.
I wear scarves and hats instead of a wig because the wig gives me terrible headache. One of the other mothers from my daughter's school (who I have never had a conversation with before this one) said "You know, so-and-so had cancer last year, but she wore a wig and you couldn't even tell that she was sick. Maybe you should wear a wig." My response was "Thanks, but I don't care whether or not people know" My husband's response was much harsher (of course he didn't get to say this to her face) "Maybe you should go on Weight Watchers so that people won't know that you are a fat a$$" (She is very large). The funny thing is that this woman assumes that despite the fact that I have been bald for the past 5 months, I don't know that wigs are an option.
A friend said to me “Look at the bright side, you’ll save so much money in birth control!”
I am between things for the moment. Had surgery in December; will start chemo/radiation next week. I love it when people tell me how lucky I am. There seems to be no end to my luck -- I'm lucky I didn't get an infection; I'm lucky I have colon cancer and not one of the really bad cancers; I'm lucky that I probably won't lose my hair; I'm lucky that my surgery took place during a slow time at work; I'm lucky that my office is so close to the hospital. I know they mean well, but hey if I were so darn lucky, would I even have cancer?
Just after I got diagnosed I was out jogging when I tripped on a tennis ball. I was at the pub complaining about this and one guy was like " how did you manage that". I replied " I was running along deep in thought", to which he said " What were you doing, thinking about the cure for can....ooops" at which point we both cracked up.
Doctor: So, I see that you have disease X.
Me: Yes.
Doctor: And, you have lung disease as well. (as if he is reading from a note)
Me: Yes.
Doctor: I should have called you last week. Time is very short for you. Disease X and lung disease. Very sorry.
A girl that sat next to me in my typing class my freshman year of high school and I were discussing growing up and having children and so on. I told her that I could not have children. She of course asked why and how I knew. I told her that I had cancer when I was 2 and the radiation killed my ovaries and so on and that made me infertile. She sat that in awe, jaw dropping to the floor and when she finally got over the initial shock of what I had just said. She looks at me and says.... OH MY GOD! Did you DIE???
These are just a lovely few. So don’t feel badly if when you heard you didn’t say “the right thing” unless you told me how much better my life was going to be since I didn’t have to shave my legs, or unless you cried delightfully “my neighbor had lymphoma!” and then told me how he died, you are in the clear!
