HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETPEA

Dearest Kid,

Today you are 7.  SEVEN!  I can hardly believe it.  You are growing up so fast.  I know every adult says that and I know you cannot understand it but the days and years are flying by for those of us who are honored to be raising you.

You were only 4 when you came into my life.  I can remember the day we first met.  I already knew I would become your Step-mom and I was filled with every emotion in the book. Your father and I had already discussed our life together and it seemed so odd to me that someone I had never met would be such a huge part of my future.  I quickly realized that this wasn't going to be about me.  Our relationship was going to be about you.  What you needed,  What you wanted, What you deserved.

I forget that sometimes, Snoopy.  I forget that my needs don't come first.  I forget that what I think I deserve comes after what you deserve.  That makes me impatient at times.  That makes me pout like a five year old.  That makes me argue with you sometimes over the smallest stuff that doesn't even matter.  Will you forgive me for that?  I'm doing better.  I'm learning every day about what it means to have a child.  I'm learning how to be a the best step-mom I can be.  For you, dear one.  for you.

Maybe every mom feels impatient and unwilling and selfish at time.  I secretly hope this is true. I hope all moms  - not just step-moms - feel incompetent, I don't know.  I guess I just want to think I'm not alone in feeling this way.  And if I am, I'd like to think that I have a built-in excuse - that maybe the reason this is hard is because I didn't grow you inside me.  Maybe if I had I wouldn't feel lost and scared when I think about being a parent.  Maybe if you were the flesh of my flesh this would all come easily to me.  Maybe. 

Do you remember when we argued about the flip-flops?  You were five.  You wanted to play dress up.  You needed heels.  We went to my closet and I picked out what I thought were the perfect pair.  They were white, they had a black heel, they were high enough to be sassy but not too high.  They were one of my favorite pairs of shoes and I offered them to you.  You refused them with these words "they're flip-flops."

I knew why you were saying that.  They did, indeed, have a piece of leather that went between the big toe and the next toe.  But they are not, by any means, flip-flops.  And I told you so.  And again you looked right at me and said,

"they're flip-flops"

So it began.  "I know why you are saying that, honey, but see they aren't, they have a heel, they are leather, I wear them when I dress up ..." and I went down an entire list of reasons that these shoes were perfect - not to mention they were expensive.  Your reply?

"flip-flops."

Clearly I had lost. It was that day, when you father got home, that I announced I refused to argue with a 5 year old again.

Every time I think of that story I laugh. I never thought a little girl could make me laugh so hard and oh you can drive me mad too!  You can frustrate me.  You can hurt my feelings.  You can take me from elation to despair with one clearly stated "She's not my mom!" to the deli man who offers you a piece of cheese if "mom says it is okay."  Will you forgive me for that too?  Will you forgive me for being so sensitive? I've come to realize this has very little to do with you and very much to do with me.  I had to change my attitude a couple of years ago.  I had to stop wishing I was your "real" mom.  I had to let go of all the baggage that went with that and I had to embrace my role in your life.  My role as step-mom. 

Step-mom.

It hasn't been easy.  Step-moms get a tough rap.  And as illogical and childish as it seems maybe someday you'll understand why I've removed all the Cinderella books from your room.  I'm trying to create a different stereotype for you.  At least for you.  I can't change the world, after all, but I'm doing my best.  The truth is, if you can get past the selfish part, it's good to be The Step-mom.  Step-mom sees things your other parents don't.  Step-mom focuses on your future and the woman you are going to be.  Step-mom has stood her ground with you - even when it was hard. Step-mom got your ears pierced with you and Step-mom is teaching you about empathy and compassion and flexibility.  Step-mom is showing you how you should expect to be treated by a man when you grow up.  Step-mom is reinforcing for you what an amazing man your father is.  Step-mom is showing you how to respond to difficult circumstances.  Step-mom is growing so much because of you.  It is good to be YOUR Step-mom.  Of all my roles and accomplishments, I am most proud of being your father's wife and your Step-mom.

And how could I not be.  When I hear you ask your dad how his day was when he gets home - I'm so proud of your compassion and interest in others.  When I see voluntarily stop whining even though you really really really want to and then announce with glee "I DID IT! I CHANGED MY BEHAVIOR" - I want to burst open because you are learning the joys of personal growth and self-awareness.  When I hear you tell the little girl at jazzercise who lost her princess doll "that's why we don't bring toys to jazzercise" - I want to die at hearing my own voice come out of your mouth - but secretly I'm so proud of you because you are getting it!  You are learning and growing and becoming the woman who you are meant to be.

I couldn't be prouder of you.

You are funny.  You are wise.  You are delightful.  You are kind.  You are smart.  You are aware of others.  You are gentle.  You are insightful.  You are good friend to your friends.

You are truly a gift.  You, like your father, are proof to me that there is a God and that God loves me very much.  I look into your face, Silly Child, when you are sleeping and I want to hold onto you forever.  I want to keep you at the age you are because I cannot imagine that you'll get any better.  I think there is no way at seven you will be any more of a joy than you were at six.  Then I remember I thought the same thing about six.  And five.  You surprise me every day with how loving, compassionate, and smart you are.  I don't know how "real" moms feel when they look at their daughters.  I don't know if there is a different sense of pride because they created that life.  I don't know if those mothers lay claim to their children differently than I do to you.  I cannot imagine that they do. I cannot imagine that a "real" mom would feel any thing greater than I feel for you.  I cannot imagine anyone could love you as long as deep as wide and as high as I do.

If you understand nothing else, I want you to understand this.  I didn't conceive you - not in traditional way - but, sweetheart, you were born in my thoughts and dreams long ago. Like a far-off wish, a foggy dream, you were there.  I knew the idea of you long before I knew you. 

You didn't grown under my heart for nine months - but you've grown in it for these three years.

Happy Birthday Darling Daughter. 

Love,

Step-mom.

Comments

[Steakbellie]

i dont think your feelings are any different from anybody elses. i hear all the time Moms lamenting over how they feel like the only ones who ever fail at this.

i imagine it must be pretty difficult dealing with the 'step' issue to-boot. sounds like you're doing a fine job of it though.

[Wendy]

This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. I feel like a totally incompetent mom at least once a day - somedays more. But those times when I just know I did or said the right thing, it makes up for all those insecure times. And it sounds like you're a terrific mom - step or no step.

[Andy Woolard]

Wow. I hope you've printed this and tucked it away in a safe place for future reading.

[Jeanette]

After all this time I've spent hoping and wishing and praying for a child, I realize with the help of your post here that what I am seeking it the experiences you have been living... It reminds me of a quote by Elain Heffner, "The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children." ...Seems to me, you are mastering this. Happy birthday to your daughter, and Congratulations to you for being a great "mom." (step or not)

[flowergrrrl]

Oh Thank you! Thank you for sharing this and thank you for articulating so many of the feelings I've been struggling with in my own "step" ness.

At the moment I feel my role is as support for her father, but I am hoping that with time and patience I can develop a relationship like what you describe you have. I'm a bit envious but also terrified... fear of screwing up, fear of loving too much, fear of change.

Again, thank you!

[Lauri]

I understand your struggle with family photos! Been there done that. It must be your bullet proof leadership that got the doll to wave also! Love it!

[Jodie]

You sound like a great Step Mom! This is a beautifully written piece; someday your daughter will cherish it!
I really enjoy your blog, you have such flair & a fabulous since of humor!

[Jenne]

Such nice comments - thank you to you all. This is one of those rare posts that just flopped out without much effort. Thank you for all the affirmation - it does mean a lot.

J'