jennethink: OBSERVATIONS, FEELINGS, NEEDS, REQUEST

I noticed you ___________. When you did that, I felt ____________. I need ______________ and therefore, I’m hoping you’ll ___________.

This formula could save your personal and professional relationships. In Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, he explains the method in detail. It’s an in-depth book that I feel can be summed up pretty quickly by learning and applying the above formula.

I’m sure the author would disagree with me, but then again, he has a very fluffy cover on the book – light blue with floating clouds and a fru-fru looking font. So I think I could take him in a fight if I had to.

Regardless of how the look of the book strikes me (or you for that matter) the content is good. When something happens that you don’t like, tell someone. Mention the situation (observation) let them know what you felt (feelings), communicate your needs (needs) and ask them to do something differently (request). It is as simple as that.

In real life, it might go like this: I noticed in yesterday’s meeting you rolled your eyes and sat with your arms folded (observation. Note that we didn’t say "I noticed you were disengaged," that’s an opinion. Or "I noticed you were acting like an ass" – also an opinion – albeit an accurate one). When that happened, I felt like I’d lost control of the room (feelings) because everyone was responding to your reaction rather than to what I was saying. I need you to be supportive of me in front of the group (needs) so will you agree to stay engaged in the meetings and then come to me afterwards if you disagree with something I’ve said? (request).

Or, another example: I noticed you left two pairs of shoes by the door in the living room and one pair on the table in the dining room and another pair - well, half a pair, in the bathroom. That makes me feel like a maid the second I come home and that’s so frustrating. I need to be able to relax and unwind when I get home and see this house as a haven, a safe place. So, in the future will you put your shoes in the closet or at least in the bedroom?

Amazingly enough, I found that nonviolent communication does work. (And I’m currently working to keep my shoes contained to the bedroom.)

Comments

I notice that when I read your post it reminded me of MadLibs and that made me feel happy and brought back fond memories. So thanks! And I'll give the communication technique a shot too.

Posted by: Wendy Scherer | February 23, 2005 at 02:39 PM