jennethink: TEACH YOUR CHILDREN WELL

I hesitate telling you this but I went out Christmas shopping yesterday. I hesitate because if I were you I’d think “Christmas shopping?? Weren’t you just in the hospital Monday??” and yes I was. But time and Christmas waits for no man and certainly will not wait for me just because of a little toxicity. Maybe it wasn’t a decision the three wise men would have made but I needed to get my own frankincense and myrrh to pass around.

So I went. I took precautions – stocked up on the purell, borrowed my sister’s gloves so I wouldn’t touch the germy door handles and wore a mask. This was not easy. It is difficult to look different in this world and even harder to look sick. My friend HOLLIE was at the mall with me in October and after walking around a bit and sitting down at the food court she said “Wow, you get a lot of attention!” and she’s right. And I welled up. Usually I can ignore it or smile at people who stare but sometimes it all gets to be too much. Sometimes the staring and whispers are so heavy. And I don’t get it. I know I look different. I know it is unusual to see a woman without hair. I expect people to look. But looking and staring … those are very different things. When I’m feeling well (when is that again?) I don’t really mind or notice. Lately, however, I can't go anywhere without noticing being stared at. For months I tried to respond to each stare with a smile and nod. I tried to chin up. I tried to show everyone how it is okay .. I’m okay .. you’re okay … all God’s children are okay. Go ahead and look if you want! I’m totally okay! See me smiling! I’m rubber and you’re glue! But lately. Ugh. All I can think is it is not my job to inspire you or do this well for you. I don't have it in me to make you feel better about me by responding to your stares with smiles and your "how you feeling?" questions with 'good!" or some other falsehood. I’m not doing good. I’m falling apart. I am barely holding on here. And here’s the thing, you better get used to it. I mean, the way science and medicine is advancing we sickies are allowed to be out among you. They don't lock us up or quarantine us. They want us to live somewhat ordinary lives. They TRY to allow us some sense normalcy. So we're out there. We have bald heads and we use canes and we wear masks - not because we're contagious, but because YOU are. So you better freakin’ get used to it. Learn to deal with illness because if you think you're getting away without facing it your dead wrong. Skittish about it? So what. Uncomfortable? Get over it. Don’t know what to say? Afraid you’ll say the wrong thing? Worried I’ll “get some cancer on you?” Come on. Grow up. Wise up. You don’t have to be comfortable to be nice.

Okay, rant (somewhat) over. But I want you to understand how difficult it is for me to be out and about these days. Especially in crowded stores where I draw even more attention and it is increasingly difficult to fade into the background. My hair IS starting to come back in so I MIGHT be able to get away with just a few looks except the mask ensures lots of stares and on top of that, yesterday, I couldn’t walk without getting terribly winded so I had to use one of those scooter things. Yeah, I know. Nearly bald. Gloved. Masked. Scooter.

Go ahead. You can laugh.

Or you can shift in your seat and feel all uncomfortable and awkward. You’d be in good company. What’s worse than being stared at? Being ignored. Made to feel less than. Like a thing. Not a person at all, an inconvenience. For the first 10 minutes or so in the store I tried to smile behind my mask. I said “Merry Christmas” as I scooted past. I brightened my eyes at people and said “oh excuse me!” when I accidentally cut them off as I vrooomed by. But it fell on deaf ears and dumb heads. So I gave up. I put my head down and stopped making eye-contact. Not worth it.

But just as I was losing all faith in people, a beautiful thing happened. Among the throngs of people in the store as a man with his son. The son was about 9 or 10. The man had an eye patch. I was totally in their way with my scooter and mask and I what’s worse is I didn’t notice them at first because I was distracted. When I finally faced front I saw I was blocking them and I tried to move my scooter backwards – at the expense of everyone’s ear drums within a 50 foot radius. Man those things BEEP when you back up! But as soon as the man noticed I was trying to get out of their way he put up his hand. “Don’t move,” he said “You are perfectly fine. You are not in anyone’s way.” And he waited for the crowd around me to clear. Just waited patiently with his hand on his boy’s shoulder. Once a path was opened, they moved close and snuck around me in the aisle. This would have been enough. Plenty, really, to make my day. But just as they were passing, the boy looked right in my eyes peek-a-booing over my mask and said “Hello, ma’am, it’s nice to see you,” and smiled this big beautiful toothy smile and my whole world – MY WHOLE WORLD – was restored.

I could have kissed them both.

People, please, just say hi. Smile. Teach your children to smile at people who look and feel different. Maybe this man has taught his son this beautiful, simple skill because of his own difference. Maybe he knows what it is like to have people look, look away, look again. Maybe he understands that sometimes, it is just too much. Too much. And maybe that’s why I can picture him often in his son’s life pulling him aside and saying “Be nice, son. Say hello to people who look different. It’s okay to smile and ask questions. Don’t be afraid to reach out.” and, “I’m proud of you.”

I will never forget that man and that boy. Angels, both of them.

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.

Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.

And you, of tender years,
Can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth,
They seek the truth before they can die.

...just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

-Crosby Stills Nash & Young

Comments

You're making me cry with this one. I don't know what to say to you except stay as positive as you can. Those types of "angels" come along just as we need them. I KNOW they do.

Janet

Posted by: Janet | December 20, 2006 at 10:29 AM

"and we wear masks - not because we're contagious, but because YOU are." Excellent point, well made. God bless that little boy and his dad.

Posted by: Susie | December 20, 2006 at 12:54 PM

What the h-e-double hockey sticks happened when I stepped away from the computer for a few days??

I have a guest and threw my back out (not literally, well, is it? some kind of lower back thing decided to spasm or something) and so I haven't been sitting in front of the computer much except for quick peeks at e-mail.

JENNE?!!

Manohmanohman am I glad you're buzzing around on a scooter in the mall! Someone needs to write a poem or song about that little boy. Or we should all just read this post. I'm going to link to it.

Your ordeal, babe, whoa. I'm going to take a big, deep breath...

and be thankful you can, too.

Love from me to you!

Posted by: Ann | December 20, 2006 at 01:15 PM

While I missed you at Target yesterday, I did see the man and the boy. As I passed them in an isle, the boy said "Excuse me." It was such a surprise and a rare event to have someone that young (or almost anyone today, really) make that statement. It lightened my day. I'm so glad you 'bumped' into them.

Posted by: Sam | December 21, 2006 at 12:33 AM