"The most traumatizing condition in the body occurs when disloyal cells defy inhibition. They multiply without any checks on growth, spreading rapidly throughout the body, choking out normal cells. White cells, armed against foreign invaders, will not attack the body's own mutinous cells. Physicians fear no other malfunction more deeply: it is called cancer. For still mysterious reasons, these cells grow wild, out of control. Each is a healthy, functioning cell, but disloyal, no longer in regard for the rest of the body."
The above quote is from Fearfully and Wonderfully Made, by Dr. Paul Brand and Philip Yancy. Thanks to Susie for the point. I’ve yet to hear a better description of how I feel about this cancer in my body. “Disloyal” – this is exactly what I was trying to convey when I posted about The Body a couple weeks ago.
When I was first diagnosed, a bunch of people talked to me about getting ready to fight! the cancer. As in, “you have to FIGHT! this!” It was weird for me because I didn’t really feel like fighting. Call me conflict adverse but I sort of wanted to not fight anything about my body … even this.
That sounds odd, I’m sure. I can remember sitting at dinner with friends and trying to explain how distasteful the idea of fight!ing or “getting angry” felt to me at the time. Not that I didn’t want to get rid of the cancer or be healthy but I kind of felt like my body was doing something and it had been really good to me for all these years and did I have to jump right to hating it and “fight!ing”? I mean, couldn’t we talk about it? Try to work it out? Can’t we all just get along?
Why all the hostility?
As with most things in my life, I’ve tried to figure out various applications for my current experience. I’m not sure I have a good one yet for this but I do believe that one of the reasons I’m doing so well (cripes, I just made myself laugh … “doing so well” if you only knew) is that I’ve chosen to not get angry but instead to walk the path and experience every bit of this. When I think of fight!ing I picture this blind rage, this aggressive attack, sort of a mad swinging and hitting and screaming. And I think it would be really hard for me, for anyone, to truly experience an event and fight! it at the same time. And somehow that, to me, seems a waste.
And I will not waste one moment of this.